13 pounds down, 13 more to go!

So I've lost 13 pounds. Feeling great about that. I have no cute clothes and desperately need to update my wardrobe, but I'm not done losing weight yet so I'm going to wait. I went out with some girlfriends last night to the MIA concert and didn't feel like a fatty the whole night. That felt great. But I didn't feel really cute either because my clothes are a bit big and somewhat boring.
The question is, what is my personal style? I honestly don't know. In high school I was a bit of a hippy and favored flowy, earth mama type clothes. Since then I've had a hard time figuring out what my style is. I still like earthy type clothes, but I also like clothes with a little bit of a punk rock edge, but I also like the SoCal look as well as the polished Anne Taylor look. Part of the problem is that I'm 35 and not sure what is appropriate anymore. Do I look totally ridiculous wearing Chuck Taylor's with skulls? I'm not very good and mixing and matching things so the Boho look is hard for me. Plus I'm hyper aware of my body shape and what makes me look leaner vs. bigger. But you can't wear long dark book cut jeans, heels and a V neck top every single day. Is it possible to take a fashion class?
My good friend is very Boho and puts things together that would give me a heart attack leaving the house in. For instance, yesterday she wore a navy and white stripe spaghetti strap tank over a black tank. It looked fine, but I would have NEVER put it together because my inner rules say navy and black don't go together. I would have totally been stuck with a plain white tank underneath. Actually I wouldn't have worn it at all because I feel weird layering. I've got issues I tell ya. For years I've stuck to jeans, black top, black belt, black shoes, silver hoops. My uniform. But then a male friend commented on my uniform. So now I feel boring.
So I guess it's time to research and make a plan for updating my wardrobe.
Then I'll have to make a plan to keep the weight off so I can wear the new wardrobe.
Oh the things I occupy my brain space worrying about.

Priorities & Intention

Sometimes I swear I have ADD. Days go by and I wonder what I've accomplished. I tend to flit from one thing to the next. At other times in my life I have had imposed structure (which I have always resented) in the form of public school, parental rules, work rules and expectations, etc. Since I quit working for Novell, I have pretty much been on my own to dictate my priorities and how my time is best spent. I don't think I have done a good job. I get easily overwhelmed and distracted and spend my time on whatever is right in front of me and demanding the most attention RIGHT NOW.

As a result, one of things I have tried to cultivate in my life is to live it with intention. To create the life I want based on what I value most and to feel like I am really living each moment so that when I look back on my life, I feel like a used my time here well. I don't want to look back on my whole life and feel like I do about most of my days, like I just went through the motions. But if my days go by that way, then it follows that the result of my lifetime would also be that.

Being an orginizationally challenged individual I haven't been successful and figuring out how to mesh my values, my priorities and my time together in a meaningful way. But thank goodness there are people out there that are naturally good at this stuff and these amazing people write books!

I'm currently reading Find More Time: how to get things done at home, organize your life and feel great about it by Laura Stack. Oh how I love this book. It is a book to own. It is organized it to bit size steps that help you figure it all out and progress. It gives simple, concrete steps and examples to help those of us that are organizationally dysfunctional. I tend to get bogged down in the details, so simple is best.

I have discovered my main values are: family, learning, security, health, and fun. It may seem obvious to most people, but I now realize that my time and actions should be based on these values. I've set several small, reachable goals for each value with rewards for reaching them. Progress is the name of the game. During the day I stop and think, "does this relate to my values? does this help me reach my goals"? and if it doesn't, I redirect. Novel concept, I know.

I think this is a perfect task for spring.

Randomness

I quit my "perfect" job at the Winner School. Why? Because the amount of energy it requires is far more than the benefits. And my dear husband finally realized that a part time job isn't going to change much financially but it certainly does increase the havoc level at our house. So I gathered my gumption and went in a quit. Do they think I'm a flake? Very likely. Does that really matter? Nope. I'm going to finish out this week and then I'll be done. I'm just going to stick with R and help the V Group run smoothly. This summer the monkeys will be in summer camp and I will have time to work and some time to play. Sounds nice.

On another front, somebody out there HATES my front door. I mean really hates it. Enough to send me a very rude anonymous letter stating that I can't possibly think it looks good and I need to repaint it ASAP. All I could say after reading it was "WOW". I will say that my front door is quite bold and I knew when I painted it that it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea. But I cannot fathom that someone out there really thinks that I give a rats ass about their opinion of my door. There are some very deluded people out there with an over abundance of self importance. Oh well. I promptly went out to look for patio furniture to match my front door and found a bunch of sets that have cushions in the exact colors this person seems to think are so awful. Interesting isn't it? I've been saving and have enough to go purchase a set as soon as I can borrow my dad's truck. I'm seriously considering painting the garage door to match!

On the subject of school schedules: Why on earth would they give us last Thursday and Friday off, this Monday off, hold school on Tuesday Wednesday and a short day on Thursday, then have Friday off again? It's maddening.

Tonight is my birthday dinner with some of my girlfriends. Hooray. Turkey sandwiches with Caramel Coffee Cake for dessert. I can't wait!

My dear sister A has not had her baby yet. Making us all crazy with anticipation. I am so excited to have a little nephew. I think it is more fun to have a new baby in the family when you are past the baby phase yourself. When my neice R was born I had a 11 month old and a 4 year old. I don't actually remember much of her as a baby. This time I think I will have a chance to enjoy it. And then in August I will have a new V neice and nephew! How fun!

And finally, I have daffodils! I have tulip leaves (no flowers because unbeknownst to me, deer LOVE tulips and will eat them while you sleep!). I have new green sproutings on my perennials! I love Spring! It is definitely my favorite season. More and more I appreciate the feeling of rebirth and awakening that accompanies Spring. This felt like such a cold, snowy, freezing Winter. Spring reminds you that you will make it through the seasons of your life, literally and figuratively.

Expectations

I often find myself going overboard to live up to "their" expectations. But who are "they" anyway? I'm not really sure, but "they" seem to be ever present in my mind. I'd rather go overboard than underboard. So I spend too much on gifts, I freak out over potluck dishes and I make sure holidays are overpriced and overstuffed. Why? Where did I get this crazy idea that simple isn't enough?
I read in Martha Beck's book Finding Your North Star that we all have around 5 people that make up our "they". When we are making choices we are thinking about what these people would think. Of course they change over time and we may or may not actually know these people. It is totally possible that you could be making decisions in your real life based on what you think your favorite movie star would think about your choice. Isn't that crazy?
The funny thing is I had a conversation with someone who I realized makes up one of my "they" people this weekend. I'm going overboard to impress this person, and this person is wishing that we could all just relax, simplify, and make our lives easier, more affordable and enjoyable. Because this person suffers from the same need to go overboard! I'm so glad we talked!
So I'm going to do my best in situations that require me to put myself out into the public sphere to stop, figure out what it is I think "they" want me to do, then figure out what I want (now there's a concept!) and simplify! Simplify the cost, the presentation, the effort. Because if we all keep trying to keep up, we actually out do and expectations keep going up, up, up.
With the economy that way it is, I really want to be saving my money and investing it instead of wasting it on pretentions. I'm so glad to know that others feel the same way. I shouldn't care what others think, but I do. But if I'm honest and tell others where my priorites lie, I might just find out they feel the same way. And if they don't, at least they know where I stand, right?

Sunday Catch-up

Just thought I'd post a few new pics and an update.

Life is good. Spring is in the air (thank goodness!) and my mood is improving. It did snow last night but as I sit here I can see the snow melting away. I love that about Spring, you know it will melt! The forecast looks sunny and warm for the week. I am ready to get these kids outside and moving! Here is a pic of President's Day at our house.

I joined the gym at the beginning of the month. I've been trying to go each morning at 7 am, right after R comes back from his workout. I made it three times last week. I'm determined to go at least 4 this week. Can I see a difference? My clothes do feel better and I've received some very lovely compliments. Have I been following THE WAY? Pretty much. I need to revise THE WAY a bit and really commit. It's sure hard when it is birthday week and the Girl Scouts are selling those damn cookies!

I've been quite busy this week, in a good way. Tuesday I ran into my friend L at Target. Always nice to see her. Then I ran into the Long Lost H again. Weird how we didn't see each other for 4 years and now we see each other and have all these mutual friends. Cahraaazy! Wednesday I took Z to the candy factory for a tour with our Mommy Group. Always a good time. I bought 4 marshmallow eggs, ate one and then the dog ate the rest. Oh well. Thursday I took Z to go skating with my friends Piper and Kim. Great fun but I'm sure I picked up a virus there. Then I went to see Michael Pollan speak on his books The Omnivores Dilemma and In Defense of Food. I went with my friends Bridgette and Kevin. Love those guys. Love Michael Pollan! I highly recommend his books. I'm seriously a food geek! Friday night R and I went to a Gala event for the Utah Board of Realtors with Brad, Billy and Dinnie. We had fun but R ticked me off and it kind of threw off my groove. Oh well. At least I got a pretty new dress out of it. Here we are (minus Billy)

Saturday morning I realized I had definitely picked up some sort of virus, but M had a karate belt test. I'm so proud of the kid! He got his orange belt. He has been very dedicated and works hard, so he certainly deserves it!

I spent the rest of the day feeling pretty crappy. I finally took some ibuprofen and felt much better. We went to celebrate our little friend N's 6th birthday last night. We had a lot of fun. I sooo look forward to getting together with our awesome group of friends on the weekends. I've decided I am very social, just not a planner. Plan it, I'll be there. If I have to plan it, I'll stay home and read. Lazy, I know. I need to work on that.

I just finished Louise Hays Heal Your Life. What a great book. Simple and quick but really profound. My next bookclub read is The Good Earth by Pearl Buck. I'm going to really try to read less non-fiction, less self-help and more uplifting fiction. I'm going to have to wait until Summer to tackle some of the deeper books I've been wanting to read. I just don't have the emotional strength right now.

Today R is off at Man Camp with his friends. They hiked up to a yurt and will hike and snowboard or ski all day, stay over in the yurt and come home in the morning. Doesn't sound to fun to me. I'm home with the kids and a nasty cold. But later we are going to see Horton Hears a Who with Family W. Should be fun. I've taken some meds hoping not to sniffle, cough and blow my nose through the movie. I'm just no good at staying home and feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to breeze right through this cold dangit!

Hope all is well with everyone!

Peace Love and Happiness!

Forgiveness

Forgiveness has been in my thoughts a lot in the past few weeks. There have been several dramas I have been either involved in or aware of recently and it has given me a chance to think about how sweet the action and emotion of forgiveness really is.

The definition of forgiveness is "to cease to feel resentment against". Simple to define, so incredibly hard to do. It may be not too difficult to forgive someone who is sorry, who hurt you by accident and is seeking forgiveness. I have found this to often be the case. But some situations and people make forgiveness feel impossible. The issue never resolves, the person takes no responsibility. Even then, it may be possible to cut the person or situation out your life, and then forgiveness can come somewhat easily. But then there are the grand-daddy tests of forgiveness. The people and situations that you are stuck with indefinitely. It is so easy to begin to hate, resent and be hypersensitive to any slight. We are sure we are in the right and the other is definitely in the WRONG. And while that may be the case, it might not.

Why is this so hard? Well, it may feel like accepting abuse, like saying, "it's OK if you treat me like shit, I don't mind". But what we have to remember is that we can forgive and still say "that's enough of that" at the same time. Forgiveness is not saying, "I don't mind" it's saying, "I'm not going to harbor anger and resentment against you because it hurts me". Forgiveness really has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with what kind of feelings you are willing to allow into your heart. Hate, anger, fear, resentment, and judgment are all soooo bad for your mind, body and soul. They take you away from your center, your universal being, from God, and keep you trapped in the past. Love, forgiveness, and acceptance are what God is, and keep you focused on the present. The only power we have is the choice we make RIGHT NOW. If we want to closer to God, we absolutely must protect the love in our heart. Anger is so seductive because it feels like POWER. This is a sad illusion because we have given away our power and have let someone else's actions come between us and God. This is why Jesus' only commandment was to love. It is the most powerful action possible. Forgiveness must occur to let love back into your heart. The other person doesn't even have to know about it. It isn't about them anyway. Forgiveness is as much an attitude as it an action. When Peter asked Jesus "Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?” Jesus replied, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven”. Basically, just keep on doin' it.

So how do we do it? Well, I think there are lots of ways. One way that is especially effective for me is to remember that hurt people hurt people. Something in them is hurting and once I recognize that they are acting out of their own pain, sadness, or fear, compassion usually sets in and I don't feel so angry anymore. At night before going to bed you can think of anyone that you may have pushed outside your loving heart that day, a rude store clerk, your belligerent child, you clueless husband, your uppity friend, your insufferable in-laws. Take the time to mentally apologizing for forgetting to love them, forgive their trespass and forgive yourself for not remaining true to yourself. Sleep is so much more restful with a peaceful heart! If it is particularly hard to forgive, ask the Source for help. Maybe you can't do it all by yourself, that's OK, just ask for the strength to do it. Say forgiveness affirmations and make the intention that you will not let negative emotions rule you. Forgiveness doesn't usually come over night. The important thing is to keep practicing and eventually, it does happen.

This I know for a fact. Several years ago something happened with a friend that hurt me deeply. I realized I had hurt her and when I tried to apologize and work things out, I was completely rejected and my try at reconciliation become a new issue. This caused not only a deep rift between me and this friend, but also involved many mutual friends. In the end I chose to remove myself from the situation as much as possible. While I could understand that I had hurt her (which I did and deeply regret), and her reaction was because of this hurt, I just could not get over how much her actions were hurting me. For at least a year I was angry and resentful. I thought negative thoughts about her often. Then, as time went by, I thought about it less and less until something would happen that brought it up again. I was always surprised at how upset I still was about it. I finally decided I had to forgive her and myself because it just felt so awful. Even then, it took much longer than I had anticipated. But every time I felt hurt I would remember my intention to forgive and move past the situation. And one day I realized I no longer felt the anger and pain I did. I felt OK about her and what had happened. Do I think we will ever be as close as we were? No, I don't see that happening (though you never know), but I can see her (and I do every few months), talk with her and actually enjoy her company at that time. I wish her nothing but a wonderful life and can appreciate her many talents. She's really is a great person. And I took away the lesson that I need to speak less, listen more, and think before I open my big mouth. Something I've struggled with my whole life. I also learned that just because things roll off my back pretty easily (for the most part), other people may feel criticized or judged by things that I am either saying in jest, or just stating as an observation. I need to learn to think about how the other person will feel about what I am saying. Life lessons.

Our egos are so fragile. It is easy to be offended when someone decides that we aren't worth much to them. It's easy to see their faults and ignore our own. It's easy to blame the situation on anything but ourselves. But we only get one life, every minute is so precious. We have to take responsibility for everything that we draw into our lives. Do we want to spend those moments consumed with those that have wronged us? I don't. I'd rather remember that each of acts in a way that seems right at the time. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. I'd rather forgive, try to find the lesson for myself and BE HAPPY!

A few quotes on forgiveness:

If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. - Gandhi

Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude. - Martin Luther King Jr.

You have learned how it was said: Eye for eye and tooth for tooth. But I say this to you: offer the wicked man no resistance. On the contrary, if anyone hits you on the right cheek, offer him the other as well. -Jesus-

To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee. - William H Walton

If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. -Isaac Friedman

Random Pics of the Fam Damily

Z with the "fake" Santa. The "real" one is at South Towne Mall, just so ya know.

The boys on their birthday.

M surfing.

Z in Costa Rica. My boy loves his sand!

M in Costa Rica. The pool is REALLY cold!

Recession Proofing our Finances

Well, it's official. We are in a recession. How bad will it be? How will affect us? Obviously no one can predict the future, so it's a good idea to plan for the worst while still hoping for the best. I admit, we were caught with our pants down. We went 6 months with $3000 income. Brutal is the best way to describe it. But as with all things difficult, we learned some really important lessons. We can weather the storm without killing each other. We might make each other pretty damn miserable, but we're all in this together. Buy less, buy quality. Used is often just as good as new. Travel is fun but not a necessity. Last, but certainly not least, (this might seem obvious) debt is bad, savings are good.
So how do we plan to get through the recession as well as make sure we are ready for another dry spell in income? Funny you should ask. Here is our basic plan.

1. Lower monthly payments. We lucked out. Our house has appreciated a considerable amount. When rates went down we did a refi. We took out enough equity to pay off our debt and still lowered out monthly payments. While I don't recommend this for everyone, and fully understand the consequences of out actions (trading equity to pay off past purchases, trading unsecured debt for secured) for us it really did make the most sense. We now have some much needed breathing room.

2. No new debt. If we don't have the cash for it, we don't get it. This is a hard one. For R it is because he is always tempted to take a line of credit and invest it. I finally had to tell him that it ain't gonna happen again. He still brings it up, I still shut him down. I'm sure a fabulous opportunity is going to come along and I will really have to stand my ground. NO NEW DEBT! I've canceled all but one card with a reasonable limit (for renting cars and such). For me it is hard when it comes to travel. We are planning on a Costa Rica trip this fall, but if we don't have the money saved by then, we aren't going. In the past I would have insisted that we still go for the experience of it, arguing that it is our life after all. I think the credit card companies had me snowed for a bit there with their feel good commercials. Well I'm wise to them now!

3. SAVE!!! I am passionate about saving up a six month emergency fund. A full year would be better, but I will determine if that is necessary when I hit the 6 month mark. R is also working on saving a 6 month buffer for business expenses. That way we won't be tempted to rob Peter to pay Paul. We currently have 1 month saved. It's not much, but it certainly is better than being 5 months in the hole!

4. Increase income. I've been a mostly SAHM for the past 5 years. I've done corporate America and I don't see that happening again for me in this lifetime. The benefits were great, but not worth the stress and time spent doing something I really didn't enjoy for someone else's benefit. I also can't imagine working 40+ hours and having 2 kids. I know lots of people do it, and that's great, I just can't imagine it for me. I don't juggle a lot of responsibilities well. So I've been helping R with his business a few hours a week. but that doesn't actually bring in any money. I have been trying to think of a part-time job that I could see me enjoying and bringing in enough to make having Z in daycare worth it. Well there really aren't any. Then I realized that if I work at his pre-school/daycare, his care is free and I am bringing in some money. Plus I think it would be fun. I have an interview tomorrow. They are looking for some permanent people as well as some subs. I think I may start out as a sub. More flexibility. But I will have to find out what benefits, if any, they provide. The other place I've considered is the rec center. They only pay about $8 an hour, but Z could go to their daycare for free, their shifts are short, and you get a rec center pass for free. Not a bad deal really. By bringing in some extra money each month I'm hoping to a) get that emergency fund built quickly b) take some of the pressure of R and c) give us some fun money for a few wants. It has been pretty lean around here lately.

5. Make every dollar count. It's times like these that you really start to think about what is important to you. When you only have a few dollars to spend, McDonald's because you're too tired to cook isn't as appealing. You start to think about travel vs. a newer car vs. a bathroom remodel vs. retirement or college savings. Some days I want to update my house SOOOOO BAD! And then I read an article about a couple who retired at 40 by being frugal and I realize my house is fully functional (mostly), just out of style and a bit worn. I shop and wish I could buy a million pairs of shoes until I realize my car is getting up there in miles. Or some friends travel monthly and I wish I could too until I realize that my dream career requires a master's degree. It's all about choices. Some people could never imagine letting their children wear hand-me-downs or used clothes. I don't mind a bit. When I score a Tony Hawk t-shirt for $2 instead of $20, I have $18 to put towards something else. Like organic food, which is pretty much non-negotiable for me. Everyone's choices will be different. But knowing what choices are important to our family makes managing the money a lot more simple.

Super Tuesday!

Lest you forgot- VOTE!!! So important. Powerful. And you get a neat sticker too!

In Defense of Food (a review)

I just read In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan. Last year I read his book The Omnivore's Dilemma and LOVED it! So I was really excited to read this new book. I realize I'm kind of a geek to get so excited about social commentaries about food as well as the food economy. Guilty. I still love them though.

So he starts out by explaining why another book about food. In the Omnivore's Dilemma he goes into extreme detail to map out food systems. But he never did say what it is he now eats after doing all this research about how our food gets to our table. So in this book he does. He basically boils it down to "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants." This reminds me of Marion Nestle's advice, "Eat less. Move more. Eat lots of fruits and vegetables. Go easy on the junk". Which is advice I have taken straight to heart.

The book is broken down into 3 parts. The first explains how we have gotten away from eating foods, and now worship the cult of nutritionism which is instead eating nutrients. So instead of eating carrots because we like carrots, and we know that carrots are good for us, we eat carrots because we are trying to get more beta carotene. And then we may wonder if we really need to eat the carrots and instead take a beta carotene supplement. Then we wonder why we just aren't that healthy. We talked about this in my advanced nutrition class last year. My professor pointed out that nutritionists have found that supplements usually fail to do what a good balanced diet does. We obviously don't know everything about what is in food and how the body digests food. The sum of the parts don't equal the whole.

Section 2 talks about the Western Diet. He goes into how most traditional diets, whether vegetarian, mostly meat, high fat, low fat or anything else, have tended to have populations with far less incidence of disease. Pretty much any diet is healthy but the Western Diet. But maybe that is because we have gotten away from eating real food and instead eat a lot of refined foodlike substances that are primarily made of corn, wheat or soy, repackaged artfully to seem like different types of food. It looks like a diverse diet, but it's not. And of course there is the conspicuous absence of fruits and vegetables. Lots of meat (raised on corn,wheat and soy), lots of processed foods packed with refined starches (corn, wheat and soy), lots of sugar (more corn), trans fats (corn, soy) and salt. We are plagued with excess calories and still we are
undernourished, a feat not really thought possible before.

Section 3 goes into the basic "rules" or guidelines he follows as a result of his research. 1) Don't eat anything your grandmother wouldn't recognize. Go-gurt anyone?
2) Avoid food with ingredeints that are a) unfamiliar b)unpronouceable c)more than 5 in number and d) include high fructose corn syrup.
3) Avoid foods that make health claims (I mostly agree with this, but I love me some Cheerios). 4) Shop the perimeter of the store
5)Get out of the supermarket if possible and instead patronize farmer's markets, CSAs or grow a garden.
6) Eat mostly plants, especially leaves.
7) Remember you are what your food eats too
8)If you have the space, buy a freezer.
9) Eat well grown food from healthy soils.
10) Eat wild foods when you can
11) Be the kind of person that eats supplements, but then don 't.
12) Eat more like the French, or the Italians, or the Japanese, or the Indians, or the Greeks...(those who have traditional diets tend to be healthier)
13) Don't look for the magic bullet in a traditional diet (enjoy your food, don't just eat...dine.)
14)Have a glass of wine with dinner
15)Pay more, eat less.
16) Eat meals. Don't snack and graze your way through the day.
17) Do all your eating at the table.
18)Don't get your fuel from the same place your car does.
19) Try not to eat alone.
20) Consult your gut. (Stop eating if you are full. If the food makes you feel like crap, don't eat it).
21) Eat slowly.
22) Cook. And if you can plant a garden.

I've spent many, many years reading nutrition books and the latest diet books. For a little while I felt totally messed up. I've got lots of fitness fanatic friends. I've got friends that follow strict diets. I've tried them myself. About a year and a half ago I decided I was done. No more diets, not more diet books, no more latest nutrient, no more supplements. I just wanted to eat. And at first I let myself just eat a lot of crap. Did I gain weight? Not really. I've been about the same weight for 2 years. Then I read the Omnivore's Dilemma and decided that my gut feeling that organic foods really are the best idea for health and the planet. Then I read Marion Nestle's book What to Eat. I loved that she is a nutritionist but has a totally common sense approach to food. I made my New Year's Resolution: Eat LOADS of fruits and vegetables. I've done pretty well so far. Recently I have decided I am ready to try to lose the 20 lbs I need to shed. And the seduction of weight loss products started to creep back in. Should I do a cleanse? Should I talk to my doctor about weight loss medications? Should I give up starchy foods? And then this book reminded me of what I really think the key to weight loss is: Eat less, move more, eat lots of fruits and vegetables, go easy on the junk. Eat food, not much, mostly plants. It's a simple as that.