Forgiveness has been in my thoughts a lot in the past few weeks. There have been several dramas I have been either involved in or aware of recently and it has given me a chance to think about how sweet the action and emotion of forgiveness really is.
The definition of forgiveness is "to cease to feel resentment against". Simple to define, so incredibly hard to do. It may be not too difficult to forgive someone who is sorry, who hurt you by accident and is seeking forgiveness. I have found this to often be the case. But some situations and people make forgiveness feel impossible. The issue never resolves, the person takes no responsibility. Even then, it may be possible to cut the person or situation out your life, and then forgiveness can come somewhat easily. But then there are the grand-daddy tests of forgiveness. The people and situations that you are stuck with indefinitely. It is so easy to begin to hate, resent and be hypersensitive to any slight. We are sure we are in the right and the other is definitely in the WRONG. And while that may be the case, it might not.
Why is this so hard? Well, it may feel like accepting abuse, like saying, "it's OK if you treat me like shit, I don't mind". But what we have to remember is that we can forgive and still say "that's enough of that" at the same time. Forgiveness is not saying, "I don't mind" it's saying, "I'm not going to harbor anger and resentment against you because it hurts me". Forgiveness really has nothing to do with the other person, it has to do with what kind of feelings you are willing to allow into your heart. Hate, anger, fear, resentment, and judgment are all soooo bad for your mind, body and soul. They take you away from your center, your universal being, from God, and keep you trapped in the past. Love, forgiveness, and acceptance are what God is, and keep you focused on the present. The only power we have is the choice we make RIGHT NOW. If we want to closer to God, we absolutely must protect the love in our heart. Anger is so seductive because it feels like POWER. This is a sad illusion because we have given away our power and have let someone else's actions come between us and God. This is why Jesus' only commandment was to love. It is the most powerful action possible. Forgiveness must occur to let love back into your heart. The other person doesn't even have to know about it. It isn't about them anyway. Forgiveness is as much an attitude as it an action. When Peter asked Jesus "Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?” Jesus replied, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven”. Basically, just keep on doin' it.
So how do we do it? Well, I think there are lots of ways. One way that is especially effective for me is to remember that hurt people hurt people. Something in them is hurting and once I recognize that they are acting out of their own pain, sadness, or fear, compassion usually sets in and I don't feel so angry anymore. At night before going to bed you can think of anyone that you may have pushed outside your loving heart that day, a rude store clerk, your belligerent child, you clueless husband, your uppity friend, your insufferable in-laws. Take the time to mentally apologizing for forgetting to love them, forgive their trespass and forgive yourself for not remaining true to yourself. Sleep is so much more restful with a peaceful heart! If it is particularly hard to forgive, ask the Source for help. Maybe you can't do it all by yourself, that's OK, just ask for the strength to do it. Say forgiveness affirmations and make the intention that you will not let negative emotions rule you. Forgiveness doesn't usually come over night. The important thing is to keep practicing and eventually, it does happen.
This I know for a fact. Several years ago something happened with a friend that hurt me deeply. I realized I had hurt her and when I tried to apologize and work things out, I was completely rejected and my try at reconciliation become a new issue. This caused not only a deep rift between me and this friend, but also involved many mutual friends. In the end I chose to remove myself from the situation as much as possible. While I could understand that I had hurt her (which I did and deeply regret), and her reaction was because of this hurt, I just could not get over how much her actions were hurting me. For at least a year I was angry and resentful. I thought negative thoughts about her often. Then, as time went by, I thought about it less and less until something would happen that brought it up again. I was always surprised at how upset I still was about it. I finally decided I had to forgive her and myself because it just felt so awful. Even then, it took much longer than I had anticipated. But every time I felt hurt I would remember my intention to forgive and move past the situation. And one day I realized I no longer felt the anger and pain I did. I felt OK about her and what had happened. Do I think we will ever be as close as we were? No, I don't see that happening (though you never know), but I can see her (and I do every few months), talk with her and actually enjoy her company at that time. I wish her nothing but a wonderful life and can appreciate her many talents. She's really is a great person. And I took away the lesson that I need to speak less, listen more, and think before I open my big mouth. Something I've struggled with my whole life. I also learned that just because things roll off my back pretty easily (for the most part), other people may feel criticized or judged by things that I am either saying in jest, or just stating as an observation. I need to learn to think about how the other person will feel about what I am saying. Life lessons.
Our egos are so fragile. It is easy to be offended when someone decides that we aren't worth much to them. It's easy to see their faults and ignore our own. It's easy to blame the situation on anything but ourselves. But we only get one life, every minute is so precious. We have to take responsibility for everything that we draw into our lives. Do we want to spend those moments consumed with those that have wronged us? I don't. I'd rather remember that each of acts in a way that seems right at the time. We are all doing the best we can with what we have. I'd rather forgive, try to find the lesson for myself and BE HAPPY!
A few quotes on forgiveness:
If we practice and eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the whole world will be blind and toothless. - Gandhi
Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude. - Martin Luther King Jr.
You have learned how it was said: Eye for eye and tooth for tooth. But I say this to you: offer the wicked man no resistance. On the contrary, if anyone hits you on the right cheek, offer him the other as well. -Jesus-
To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee. - William H Walton
If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we would find in each person's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge. -Isaac Friedman
2.27.2008
2.21.2008
Random Pics of the Fam Damily
Z with the "fake" Santa. The "real" one is at South Towne Mall, just so ya know.
Z in Costa Rica. My boy loves his sand!
The boys on their birthday.
M surfing.
Z in Costa Rica. My boy loves his sand!
M in Costa Rica. The pool is REALLY cold!
2.19.2008
Recession Proofing our Finances
Well, it's official. We are in a recession. How bad will it be? How will affect us? Obviously no one can predict the future, so it's a good idea to plan for the worst while still hoping for the best. I admit, we were caught with our pants down. We went 6 months with $3000 income. Brutal is the best way to describe it. But as with all things difficult, we learned some really important lessons. We can weather the storm without killing each other. We might make each other pretty damn miserable, but we're all in this together. Buy less, buy quality. Used is often just as good as new. Travel is fun but not a necessity. Last, but certainly not least, (this might seem obvious) debt is bad, savings are good.
So how do we plan to get through the recession as well as make sure we are ready for another dry spell in income? Funny you should ask. Here is our basic plan.
1. Lower monthly payments. We lucked out. Our house has appreciated a considerable amount. When rates went down we did a refi. We took out enough equity to pay off our debt and still lowered out monthly payments. While I don't recommend this for everyone, and fully understand the consequences of out actions (trading equity to pay off past purchases, trading unsecured debt for secured) for us it really did make the most sense. We now have some much needed breathing room.
2. No new debt. If we don't have the cash for it, we don't get it. This is a hard one. For R it is because he is always tempted to take a line of credit and invest it. I finally had to tell him that it ain't gonna happen again. He still brings it up, I still shut him down. I'm sure a fabulous opportunity is going to come along and I will really have to stand my ground. NO NEW DEBT! I've canceled all but one card with a reasonable limit (for renting cars and such). For me it is hard when it comes to travel. We are planning on a Costa Rica trip this fall, but if we don't have the money saved by then, we aren't going. In the past I would have insisted that we still go for the experience of it, arguing that it is our life after all. I think the credit card companies had me snowed for a bit there with their feel good commercials. Well I'm wise to them now!
3. SAVE!!! I am passionate about saving up a six month emergency fund. A full year would be better, but I will determine if that is necessary when I hit the 6 month mark. R is also working on saving a 6 month buffer for business expenses. That way we won't be tempted to rob Peter to pay Paul. We currently have 1 month saved. It's not much, but it certainly is better than being 5 months in the hole!
4. Increase income. I've been a mostly SAHM for the past 5 years. I've done corporate America and I don't see that happening again for me in this lifetime. The benefits were great, but not worth the stress and time spent doing something I really didn't enjoy for someone else's benefit. I also can't imagine working 40+ hours and having 2 kids. I know lots of people do it, and that's great, I just can't imagine it for me. I don't juggle a lot of responsibilities well. So I've been helping R with his business a few hours a week. but that doesn't actually bring in any money. I have been trying to think of a part-time job that I could see me enjoying and bringing in enough to make having Z in daycare worth it. Well there really aren't any. Then I realized that if I work at his pre-school/daycare, his care is free and I am bringing in some money. Plus I think it would be fun. I have an interview tomorrow. They are looking for some permanent people as well as some subs. I think I may start out as a sub. More flexibility. But I will have to find out what benefits, if any, they provide. The other place I've considered is the rec center. They only pay about $8 an hour, but Z could go to their daycare for free, their shifts are short, and you get a rec center pass for free. Not a bad deal really. By bringing in some extra money each month I'm hoping to a) get that emergency fund built quickly b) take some of the pressure of R and c) give us some fun money for a few wants. It has been pretty lean around here lately.
5. Make every dollar count. It's times like these that you really start to think about what is important to you. When you only have a few dollars to spend, McDonald's because you're too tired to cook isn't as appealing. You start to think about travel vs. a newer car vs. a bathroom remodel vs. retirement or college savings. Some days I want to update my house SOOOOO BAD! And then I read an article about a couple who retired at 40 by being frugal and I realize my house is fully functional (mostly), just out of style and a bit worn. I shop and wish I could buy a million pairs of shoes until I realize my car is getting up there in miles. Or some friends travel monthly and I wish I could too until I realize that my dream career requires a master's degree. It's all about choices. Some people could never imagine letting their children wear hand-me-downs or used clothes. I don't mind a bit. When I score a Tony Hawk t-shirt for $2 instead of $20, I have $18 to put towards something else. Like organic food, which is pretty much non-negotiable for me. Everyone's choices will be different. But knowing what choices are important to our family makes managing the money a lot more simple.
So how do we plan to get through the recession as well as make sure we are ready for another dry spell in income? Funny you should ask. Here is our basic plan.
1. Lower monthly payments. We lucked out. Our house has appreciated a considerable amount. When rates went down we did a refi. We took out enough equity to pay off our debt and still lowered out monthly payments. While I don't recommend this for everyone, and fully understand the consequences of out actions (trading equity to pay off past purchases, trading unsecured debt for secured) for us it really did make the most sense. We now have some much needed breathing room.
2. No new debt. If we don't have the cash for it, we don't get it. This is a hard one. For R it is because he is always tempted to take a line of credit and invest it. I finally had to tell him that it ain't gonna happen again. He still brings it up, I still shut him down. I'm sure a fabulous opportunity is going to come along and I will really have to stand my ground. NO NEW DEBT! I've canceled all but one card with a reasonable limit (for renting cars and such). For me it is hard when it comes to travel. We are planning on a Costa Rica trip this fall, but if we don't have the money saved by then, we aren't going. In the past I would have insisted that we still go for the experience of it, arguing that it is our life after all. I think the credit card companies had me snowed for a bit there with their feel good commercials. Well I'm wise to them now!
3. SAVE!!! I am passionate about saving up a six month emergency fund. A full year would be better, but I will determine if that is necessary when I hit the 6 month mark. R is also working on saving a 6 month buffer for business expenses. That way we won't be tempted to rob Peter to pay Paul. We currently have 1 month saved. It's not much, but it certainly is better than being 5 months in the hole!
4. Increase income. I've been a mostly SAHM for the past 5 years. I've done corporate America and I don't see that happening again for me in this lifetime. The benefits were great, but not worth the stress and time spent doing something I really didn't enjoy for someone else's benefit. I also can't imagine working 40+ hours and having 2 kids. I know lots of people do it, and that's great, I just can't imagine it for me. I don't juggle a lot of responsibilities well. So I've been helping R with his business a few hours a week. but that doesn't actually bring in any money. I have been trying to think of a part-time job that I could see me enjoying and bringing in enough to make having Z in daycare worth it. Well there really aren't any. Then I realized that if I work at his pre-school/daycare, his care is free and I am bringing in some money. Plus I think it would be fun. I have an interview tomorrow. They are looking for some permanent people as well as some subs. I think I may start out as a sub. More flexibility. But I will have to find out what benefits, if any, they provide. The other place I've considered is the rec center. They only pay about $8 an hour, but Z could go to their daycare for free, their shifts are short, and you get a rec center pass for free. Not a bad deal really. By bringing in some extra money each month I'm hoping to a) get that emergency fund built quickly b) take some of the pressure of R and c) give us some fun money for a few wants. It has been pretty lean around here lately.
5. Make every dollar count. It's times like these that you really start to think about what is important to you. When you only have a few dollars to spend, McDonald's because you're too tired to cook isn't as appealing. You start to think about travel vs. a newer car vs. a bathroom remodel vs. retirement or college savings. Some days I want to update my house SOOOOO BAD! And then I read an article about a couple who retired at 40 by being frugal and I realize my house is fully functional (mostly), just out of style and a bit worn. I shop and wish I could buy a million pairs of shoes until I realize my car is getting up there in miles. Or some friends travel monthly and I wish I could too until I realize that my dream career requires a master's degree. It's all about choices. Some people could never imagine letting their children wear hand-me-downs or used clothes. I don't mind a bit. When I score a Tony Hawk t-shirt for $2 instead of $20, I have $18 to put towards something else. Like organic food, which is pretty much non-negotiable for me. Everyone's choices will be different. But knowing what choices are important to our family makes managing the money a lot more simple.
2.05.2008
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