Our Family Rules

Most families have some rules they operate with. As a child my family had some hard and fast rules, such as come straight home from school-then you can play, chores must be done before play, don't even think about looking at Mom and saying "So what?!", etc. These rules were never written down, we just picked up on them after learning the hard way, i.e. breaking the unknown rule and being punished for it. My parents were fair, and they weren't overly strict. Most child-rearing experts agree that consistently applied rules help children feel secure and help families function more smoothly. Most also agree that consistency is key.

Last year, after a rough year of sibling rivalry and household stress due to financial and health reasons, I felt like our family was NOT functioning well. I was tired of the bickering and all out brawling, I was tired of yelling, crying, feeling like a horrible mom, and I was tired of feeling like I was doing it all. We took action on many of the issues were facing, and among the changes were a new, simple, easy to remember set of rules. They are really basic, but almost every situation we encounter can be filed under one of our rules.

#1 The Golden Rule- Do unto others as you would have done unto you. In other words, treat people the way you would like to be treated.
This is the grand-daddy of all rules in my opinion. If the whole world behaved with this in mind, think of the difference it would make! I consistently remind my kids to think about how they would feel about things. Often it is after and incident that they were either involved in or witnessed, but sometimes I manage to catch them before something happens and we are able to think something through before it happens.

This is also a great rule for Mom & Dad. It helps me remember that a) my kids are every bit as important as I am. They have feelings and ideas and opinions that are strong and I need to remember that. and b) my kids are watching. They are watching how R and I treat each other, how we treat our family and friends, and how we treat strangers. I'm certainly far from perfect, but I have caught myself before doing or saying something that I know I would feel bad about if it were said or done to me.

When they are a little older and have more of an ability to think abstractly I will introduce them to The Platinum Rule- Do unto others as they would have done unto them. Sometimes what we would like to have done to us or for is isn't at all what another person would choose. If we take some time to think it through, we can probably venture a good guess what the other person would want. And if not, The Golden Rule is about as safe of a fallback plan as it gets.

#2. WE DON'T HURT. Straight up. This one is non-negotiable. It is an automatic consequence, then we'll talk. We don't physically hurt people or animals. We don't hurt people with unkind words or actions or attitudes. We don't hurt ourselves. I tell them they have the right to feel any feelings that come up, but they NEVER have the right to hurt someone because of those feelings. Period. The End.

#3. WE ARE RESPECTFUL. I tell them that they can express any thought, idea or feeling, as long as they do it respectfully. So many things fall under this category, it is the great catchall for how we function in society. Show respect for other people's time by being on-time for commitments (I'll admit this something I continually work on). Show respect for people by being grateful for what is done for you. Respect our home and our belongings. Respect your friend's home and belongings. Don't swear or use ugly language. Use your manners. Respect yourself by taking care of yourself and not letting others pressure you into things that aren't good for you. Don't be rude about food you don't like. Listen the first time. Etc. etc.

#4. DO YOUR FAIR SHARE. Kids need to learn that life is not easy, and that your fair share may be more than someone else's for many reasons such as age, ability, finances, proximity, etc. Do your chores because you live here and we all need to pitch in. Help when asked. Look for ways to help. Clean up after yourself. Life requires work. Nothing stays done for long. Work first, then play.
I think so many children feel very entitled. I aim to have my children grow up knowing that work is part of the deal. Nothing comes easy, especially the important things. If we expect to do work in our lives, and we learn to work hard, life is actually easier! Paradoxical, but very true! I hope to teach them most of the things they will need to know to be a functioning adult, both inside the home and outside-laundry, cooking, yard-work, basic car maintenance, survival techniques, how to use tools, taking care of animals, how to work hard on a team, how to be a good employee and so on.

This is definitely one we are still working on. I'm not as strict a task master as I should be. I need to be more consistent about making sure chores are done every single day, that they work before they play. I still feel like I do more than my fair share. But by making this an official rule, it is in my thoughts more often and we are making progress. And kids really are very aware of what "fair" is. If I ask them if they feel they are doing their "fair share", they usually are honest and the answer is often "no". Then they are willing to self-correct (at least for a few minutes!) and get to work. They realize that it isn't fair for me to do it all, even if they don't really want to help! By the time they are teen-agers I am aiming to have the household responsibilities divided fairly between the four of us. I would also like to find a volunteer opportunity for our whole family because I believe very strongly that part of doing your fair share includes giving back to those that need help. And I believe that people who help others are happier and more grateful.

So there they are. It has gotten to the point that I can look at my kids as just say the number of the rule they are breaking and they know what that means. I'm often tempted to add other rules, but when I think about it, whatever it is usually falls under one of the existing ones.

I feel that these rules teach the basic virtues we all want our children to possess. Honesty-#s1 & 3. Kindness #1. Integrity-#2. Patience-#2. Perseverance-#3. Empathy- all of them. At the end of my parenting experience, I want to feel like I raised my boys to be "good" adults. Of course, how the ultimately end up is their choice, but I'd like to steer them in the right directions and give them the skills to be happy and successful people.

Abundance

Back in January I decided this was the year I would focus on abundance. And in general I have. But I tend to have a fairly optimistic view anyway. I've been thinking I ought to have more of a plan though. Some way to track if I'm more focused on abundance or a record of my abundance mindset activities or something. So as a baby step I am going to record the things I think demonstrate abundance in my life here.

Here's my first one: Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to get a prescription for M. The cost is generally about $10 since it is a generic, but yesterday the pharmacist just handed it to me and said, "thank you". I stood there a minute with a confused/suspicious look on my face and said, "it's free"? He said the computer said it was. I replied, "I'll take it then"! and off we went.

I truly believe that the more you notice the good in your life, the more good you will have. Right now, $10 isn't chump change. I'm stretching every dollar. And I'm grateful to have an extra $10 in my HSA today! Thanks Universe! 'Preciate Ya!

Self-Discovery

So I just got back from a trip to Philly for my sister's (That would be Dr. Lisa, DMD to YOU) graduation. Fun times had by all that I will certainly try to get around to blogging about. But what I discovered while I was there is that....

I have really really expensive taste in shoes. More than I ever realized. We went to Macy's (yes I know there are Macy's everywhere, including right here in good old SLC, but the shoe department, as well as the ambiance of the Macy's in downtown Philly is truly a-may-zing) and we looked at shoes, and we tried on shoes, and thanks to my wonderful mother's generosity we actually bought shoes. I narrowed it down to the shoes above.

Aren't they all fantastic?! After much deliberation I ended up with the Marc Fisher sandals, but in dark brown. Practical yet saucy. The Calvin Klein gray peep-toe's were a close second. But what I really really really wanted was so incredibly far out of possible range of choices. Now don't get me wrong, I am certainly not one to complain about getting a FREE PAIR OF SHOES. I mean, hi, do I look crazy? I luuuurrrrvvveee shoes. More than anything. Give me a closet full of jeans, black and/or white shirts and a kajillion million billion shoes and I'm good. I'm more than good, I'm in Nirvana. There is no greater bliss. Yes, I know, how incredibly consumerist of me. I'm trying, but I think shoe love is in my blood. Even my brother has more shoes than most women. Maybe it's because shoes look good and fit no matter what. But I digress. The object of my affection? OK, let's call it by what it really is, lust. Unbridled lust. Well, here they are in all their perfectness.

Tres fantastique, no? Stuart Weitzman's Lateral. I think they just may be real python. I would hope so for an espadrille that will set you back a cool $375. Yeah, you read that right. Almost 400 bones for a pair of shoes with rope soles. But they would work with almost everything. Really. I would wear them with every. single. thing. I. own. I keep talking about having a more French wardrobe. You know, the idea of well made timeless classics that will last forever. The 20% we actually wear in our closet and all that. But how can I ever justify that kind of money on shoes? I can drop $100 no problem. Over that and I have to think long and hard. But I have NEVER, EVER considered that kind of moola on shoes. But I am now. I'm just going to stalk them for awhile. See if they ever go on sale. But then really, how low can they really go? Is $250 a major steal? Can I honestly say, "oh I know, aren't they great?! And I got them on SALE!" with a straight face? I think not.

I have not faced a quandry quite like this regarding a clothing purchase since my early 20s. I'm a little freaked out. But damn, I love those shoes.

Yes Man by Danny Wallace

I just finished reading this book. I can't tell you how much I loved it! Why you ask? Well I'll tell you!

First and foremost, it is just damn funny! It really isn't often that I will laugh right out loud regardless of where I happen to be, but this book had me bursting forth over and over. He really has a way of describing things, painting a vivid picture so that you can just imagine how bizarre some of the escapades he participates in are. He has a sharp wit and a keen eye for the ridiculous. He is just so darn likable! Believe me when I say to you "This book is hilarious!".

OK, reason #2 is the message in the book. He is living his life on autopilot, going through the motions. He is on a treadmill, going through the motions but getting nowhere. And then something happens that changes his entire way of thinking. And he realizes that he needs be open to things for life to happen! He has to be willing to acknowledge and act upon the opportunities that are right in front of him if he would only open his eyes and his mind.

Now of course he does this in a very rigid and controlled fashion. As an experiment more than anything. But he does realize that there life is full of "coincidences" once you are open and willing for anything to happen. All you have to do is show up! And is really zeroes in the idea of everything being connected and the cause and effect relationship every single choice and action we make has on the world around us. I love the idea of "Si a todo". Yes to everything. Not as a strict set of perimeters, as his experiment was at the onset. But as a general attitude and motto for a full, rich life.

This book was one that has crystallized so many thoughts and feelings I've been having lately. I just can't stop telling people about its concept, as well as telling my husband the stories that made me laugh. God it feels GREAT to laugh. Out loud. A lot. I need to find more stuff that does that for me.

So read it! Just say YES! Si a todo!

DIY & Me

I grew up in a very traditional household. Dad took care of the cars and big projects, Mom took care of the inside and kids. R and I are also a very traditional, however, he does not take care of the cars, and for the past 5 years, he also doesn't do much in the way of house projects. He just doesn't want to. I can respect that. But I also have to face the fact that we definitely bought an outdated, fixer-upper in need of updating, repairing and the usual maintenance. What is a girl to do when hubby has other interests that don't include putting up chair-rail in the bedrooms and switching out the fixtures in the bathroom to chrome? Well, she decides to DIY.

I fantasize about moving into a smaller, already fixed-up home where all I have to do is place furniture. But the reality of our situation is, we bought a fixer upper in a highly desirable area. Most of the value of our home is actually the land it sits on. We could probably knock the house down and sell the lot for almost as much as both of them together. Possibly more if I really think about it. Our home was built in 1970 and has that lovely 70s aura about it. I've painted, oh how I've painted, but the truth is, it needs more than that. It needs new bathrooms, a new kitchen, a basement reconfigure, decks redone, windows replaced, a roof. Can I tackle all that? Obviously, no. But there is quite a bit I could do with a little knowledge and a lot of sweat. And the rest I can outsource.

So I am going to tackle a project a month. Some are smaller than others, so I might get a few in each month, but if I aim for completing a project a month, in 12 months there will be 12 things in our home that I don't cringe at the sight of. And who knows, maybe it will be contagious.

Priorities & Intention

Sometimes I swear I have ADD. Days go by and I wonder what I've accomplished. I tend to flit from one thing to the next. At other times in my life I have had imposed structure (which I have always resented) in the form of public school, parental rules, work rules and expectations, etc. Since I quit working for Novell, I have pretty much been on my own to dictate my priorities and how my time is best spent. I don't think I have done a good job. I get easily overwhelmed and distracted and spend my time on whatever is right in front of me and demanding the most attention RIGHT NOW.

As a result, one of things I have tried to cultivate in my life is to live it with intention. To create the life I want based on what I value most and to feel like I am really living each moment so that when I look back on my life, I feel like a used my time here well. I don't want to look back on my whole life and feel like I do about most of my days, like I just went through the motions. But if my days go by that way, then it follows that the result of my lifetime would also be that.

Being an orginizationally challenged individual I haven't been successful and figuring out how to mesh my values, my priorities and my time together in a meaningful way. But thank goodness there are people out there that are naturally good at this stuff and these amazing people write books!

I'm currently reading Find More Time: how to get things done at home, organize your life and feel great about it by Laura Stack. Oh how I love this book. It is a book to own. It is organized it to bit size steps that help you figure it all out and progress. It gives simple, concrete steps and examples to help those of us that are organizationally dysfunctional. I tend to get bogged down in the details, so simple is best.

I have discovered my main values are: family, learning, security, health, and fun. It may seem obvious to most people, but I now realize that my time and actions should be based on these values. I've set several small, reachable goals for each value with rewards for reaching them. Progress is the name of the game. During the day I stop and think, "does this relate to my values? does this help me reach my goals"? and if it doesn't, I redirect. Novel concept, I know.

I think this is a perfect task for spring.

Time for A Change

I'm making a change. I'm going to lose weight.
Why? I am sick of being chunky. I am sick of worrying about what I'm going to wear to any given gathering. Trying to find the magical outfit that will make me look and feel skinnier than I am. Wondering if I'm going to be the fattest one there. Going on vacation and looking at all the cute bikinis while I wear my oh so cute cover-up. Going shopping and knowing that it will be a miracle to go into the cute stores and find a size 14. Wearing and XXL from Target. Shopping with friends and just looking at shoes and earrings. Feeling like a frumpy mom.

I just finished reading Conversations with God and during the conversation it states that if you don't like what is going on in your life, just choose again. Up to this point I have chosen to be fat. Simple as that. I haven't really exercised in 6 months (while I have used the excuse that I had a foot injury that required surgery 2 months ago, I could have done some other kind of exercise and didn't). I have eaten whatever I wanted. Really the miracle is that I'm not bigger than I am! I won't say the time has been wasted however. I was really muddled in the brain by all the different diets I've tried in the past. Just being, without worrying about dieting has helped me regain a sense of what is normal eating and what my health priorities are.

So, now I'm ready to choose again. I am going to choose health. I am going to choose healthy, whole, preferably organic and local foods cooked in simple ways. I choose to move my body. I choose to regain a body that I can be proud of. I choose to weigh less than 150 lbs. I choose to wear a size 1o or smaller. And I choose not to freak out about it along the way.

So that is what I've chosen. The next question is obviously how? Tomorrow I am going to go back to Weight Watchers. I've done it before and lost 15 lbs before I got pregnant the second time. I am going to do the Core program, not counting points for the most part, just eating from an extensive list of healthy whole foods. The accountability of the weigh ins as well as the support from the meetings will really help me, I believe. R pays the equivalent in a gym membership each month, so I don't feel guilty , AT ALL, spending the money on myself (something I have used as an excuse not to rejoin in the past). I also plan to work up to running again. I am going to head out every morning from 7-8 to walk for the next month. In January I will begin to phase in running again. By May I'd like to run a half marathon in Ogden Canyon.

The when is that I'd l ike to hit certain goals along the way. I haven't worked them all out yet, and will post when I do, but I'm shooting for 145 lbs by June 2008. That's five pounds a month, just over 1 lb a week. Totally doable.

I'm going to my first meeting tomorrow. I will begin posting my stats then.

The Effect of One's Surroundings

This is my new living room. I wish I had before pictures. Let me just describe it to you. I had painted the living room a butterscotch color with the fireplace accented in pumpkin (must have been fall?). I didn't love it but I was so sick of painting we just lived with it for a couple of years. We had hand me down dark green chenille oversize couches. These had holes and were totally threadbare when I finally convinced to get rid of them. We didn't really have much else except a desk R's mom gave us (which I did reuse). I HATED my living room. I'm all about not keeping up with the Jones' but I got to a point I finally quit inviting people over because I was just embarassed. It just felt yucky and I felt like my whole house was crap.

Fast forward to now. The living room is light and airy and really shows off our view. As much as I've designated this room to be for "quiet, calm activities" only, the whole family gravitates toward it. And now I want to have people over. I actually think I have a great house now.

I think there is a line between making your surroundings comfortable and appealing to you, as well as expressing yourself and just being materialistic. I for one feel much happier when I am in a place that I find attractive. Did I redo the living room just so my friends would think I was a neater, more stylish person and therefore worth more as a friend? No, and my friends aren't those kinds of people anyway. I redid it because I hated it. Me. Hated. It.

So there you have it. My new living room.

Is it too Much to Ask?

So yesterday I went to get my birth control pill refill. Simple for me right now is no more kids! Anyway, I tell the person at the "fill prescriptions" window, "I don't really need another dispenser, just the pills" he says "okay" and walks away. Fast forward 30 minutes. I head to the "pick up prescriptions" window and they have the dispenser and pill pack sitting by the register. I say to the pick-up guy, "I don't really need a dispenser, do I have to have one?" He gives me a look and says, "if you don't want it, throw it away" and I say, "but that's the point, I don't want to and I already have several". And then he gives me a oh, you're one of those looks and says, just to irritate me I'm sure, "I can throw it away then" to which I just say"whatever". He throws it in the bag and staples it shut.

Why, oh why is it so difficult to reduce waste?! Shouldn't they just say, "do you need a new dispenser?" really, wouldn't that be more economical? I am just astounded by the amount of trash in my life. It overwhelms me. My recycling bin is crammed full by the end of two weeks. My garbage is never full after a week. I just can't believe how many people don't get it.

Do you want to know what else isn't simple? Getting all gung-ho about getting your masters degree, telling the whole world about it, and then burning out at midterm. I have an Economics midterm tomorrow that I really can't imagine I will pass. I look at the damn graphs and it looks like Greek to me. It just doesn't sink in. Then I remember why I didn't go into Nutrition in the first place. I don't get equations and formulas and graphs.

Sure, if I apply myself to the point of tears and a migraine, sometimes I have the great light bulb above the head moment. But sometimes I don't. Especially if I just don't give a shit. Actually I think this class could be interesting, but I'm taking the online version and I hate it.

So I am going to fail my midterm, make sure I do really well on the easy parts of the class, try harder at the final and hope for a C. I'm going to continue to focus on my Nutrition class and try for an A. Then I'm going to take the summer off and re-evaluate why it is I think I want a masters in Nutrition. Do I really want to be a Registered Dietitian? Do I just want to be able to say I have a Masters Degree. What do I really want to be when I grow up? I can't believe I still don't know.