Our Family Rules

Most families have some rules they operate with. As a child my family had some hard and fast rules, such as come straight home from school-then you can play, chores must be done before play, don't even think about looking at Mom and saying "So what?!", etc. These rules were never written down, we just picked up on them after learning the hard way, i.e. breaking the unknown rule and being punished for it. My parents were fair, and they weren't overly strict. Most child-rearing experts agree that consistently applied rules help children feel secure and help families function more smoothly. Most also agree that consistency is key.

Last year, after a rough year of sibling rivalry and household stress due to financial and health reasons, I felt like our family was NOT functioning well. I was tired of the bickering and all out brawling, I was tired of yelling, crying, feeling like a horrible mom, and I was tired of feeling like I was doing it all. We took action on many of the issues were facing, and among the changes were a new, simple, easy to remember set of rules. They are really basic, but almost every situation we encounter can be filed under one of our rules.

#1 The Golden Rule- Do unto others as you would have done unto you. In other words, treat people the way you would like to be treated.
This is the grand-daddy of all rules in my opinion. If the whole world behaved with this in mind, think of the difference it would make! I consistently remind my kids to think about how they would feel about things. Often it is after and incident that they were either involved in or witnessed, but sometimes I manage to catch them before something happens and we are able to think something through before it happens.

This is also a great rule for Mom & Dad. It helps me remember that a) my kids are every bit as important as I am. They have feelings and ideas and opinions that are strong and I need to remember that. and b) my kids are watching. They are watching how R and I treat each other, how we treat our family and friends, and how we treat strangers. I'm certainly far from perfect, but I have caught myself before doing or saying something that I know I would feel bad about if it were said or done to me.

When they are a little older and have more of an ability to think abstractly I will introduce them to The Platinum Rule- Do unto others as they would have done unto them. Sometimes what we would like to have done to us or for is isn't at all what another person would choose. If we take some time to think it through, we can probably venture a good guess what the other person would want. And if not, The Golden Rule is about as safe of a fallback plan as it gets.

#2. WE DON'T HURT. Straight up. This one is non-negotiable. It is an automatic consequence, then we'll talk. We don't physically hurt people or animals. We don't hurt people with unkind words or actions or attitudes. We don't hurt ourselves. I tell them they have the right to feel any feelings that come up, but they NEVER have the right to hurt someone because of those feelings. Period. The End.

#3. WE ARE RESPECTFUL. I tell them that they can express any thought, idea or feeling, as long as they do it respectfully. So many things fall under this category, it is the great catchall for how we function in society. Show respect for other people's time by being on-time for commitments (I'll admit this something I continually work on). Show respect for people by being grateful for what is done for you. Respect our home and our belongings. Respect your friend's home and belongings. Don't swear or use ugly language. Use your manners. Respect yourself by taking care of yourself and not letting others pressure you into things that aren't good for you. Don't be rude about food you don't like. Listen the first time. Etc. etc.

#4. DO YOUR FAIR SHARE. Kids need to learn that life is not easy, and that your fair share may be more than someone else's for many reasons such as age, ability, finances, proximity, etc. Do your chores because you live here and we all need to pitch in. Help when asked. Look for ways to help. Clean up after yourself. Life requires work. Nothing stays done for long. Work first, then play.
I think so many children feel very entitled. I aim to have my children grow up knowing that work is part of the deal. Nothing comes easy, especially the important things. If we expect to do work in our lives, and we learn to work hard, life is actually easier! Paradoxical, but very true! I hope to teach them most of the things they will need to know to be a functioning adult, both inside the home and outside-laundry, cooking, yard-work, basic car maintenance, survival techniques, how to use tools, taking care of animals, how to work hard on a team, how to be a good employee and so on.

This is definitely one we are still working on. I'm not as strict a task master as I should be. I need to be more consistent about making sure chores are done every single day, that they work before they play. I still feel like I do more than my fair share. But by making this an official rule, it is in my thoughts more often and we are making progress. And kids really are very aware of what "fair" is. If I ask them if they feel they are doing their "fair share", they usually are honest and the answer is often "no". Then they are willing to self-correct (at least for a few minutes!) and get to work. They realize that it isn't fair for me to do it all, even if they don't really want to help! By the time they are teen-agers I am aiming to have the household responsibilities divided fairly between the four of us. I would also like to find a volunteer opportunity for our whole family because I believe very strongly that part of doing your fair share includes giving back to those that need help. And I believe that people who help others are happier and more grateful.

So there they are. It has gotten to the point that I can look at my kids as just say the number of the rule they are breaking and they know what that means. I'm often tempted to add other rules, but when I think about it, whatever it is usually falls under one of the existing ones.

I feel that these rules teach the basic virtues we all want our children to possess. Honesty-#s1 & 3. Kindness #1. Integrity-#2. Patience-#2. Perseverance-#3. Empathy- all of them. At the end of my parenting experience, I want to feel like I raised my boys to be "good" adults. Of course, how the ultimately end up is their choice, but I'd like to steer them in the right directions and give them the skills to be happy and successful people.

Oh hi, it's me again.

Well, one month of 2009 already gone. And I never got around to posting my resolutions. Well that's OK, let's just say I used January to really refine my priorities and goals for the year. What I was thinking I'd like to accomplish on January 1st has changed and crystallized into some simpler, but more impact-ful decisions. Sounds to grand doesn't it? Well, not really. It's just life.



Resolution #1

I will bring my own bag instead of using paper or plastic. Even for things other than groceries.



Resolution #2

I will remember that LOVE is a verb.

I will quit trying to change my spouse into a happy, go-lucky optimist, because he really isn't one and it is making our marriage very tense. So I will do my best to point out the good side of things, without being preachy or naggy. When he gets into one of his funks, I will not go all Pollyanna on his ass, nor will I get frustrated with him for not seeing how our thoughts shape our reality. I will either support him by listening attentively, or ask him for what he needs from me, or if I can't be objective, I will tell him I need to think about it before I react, and go from there. I can't keep taking it personally, because it really isn't. He is stressed. He is worried. That is his reality, not mine. I will love him, because I love him. I will do my best to accept him for who he is today. I will be present with whatever our marriage brings and try to not to be so judgmental.



Resolution #3

I will parent as mindfully as I possibly can. I will accept that I am human and will not always do the "right" thing. When I regret how I have handled something, I will acknowledge it, apologize and ask for understanding. I will remember that my children are my equals, they are just younger and less experienced than I am, and that is the way it is supposed to be. I will look for the teachable moments, but I will also look for the learnable moments. My kids are so cool and such fantastic individuals. I will do my best to guide, teach, enjoy, support, and accept my boys for who they are. I will remember that this is their lives we are talking about. I will try my best to take me ego and pride and pre-programmed ideas out of it and just let my heart guide me. I have wonderful motherly intuition. I will trust it, because I have never regretted doing so. I will tell them often how much I love them. I will let them know I trust them to do what is right for them. I will empower them. I will remember that they are children and that they have lots of time to learn "grown-up things". I will take their issues and worries as seriously as I take my own. And I will let them know, often, how cool I think they are. And lots and lots of cuddles and hugs while I can still get them.



Resolution #4

I will live below my means. I will do my best to realize that "stuff" is not what it is about. Money is a resource to help you attend to your priorities and reach your goals. It is not about pride or status. I will do this by simply spending less. I will acquire less stuff. I will look for non-spending solutions whenever possible. I will use my money to further my values and goals. I will expect my spending to have a high ROI. I will save up for things I want. I will remember all the incredible things I already have, and do my best to be grateful and content.



Resolution #5

I will be lucky! I am going to affirm that I am lucky and I will expect lucky things to happen to me. I will also keep track of what lucky things come my way. I will be open to possibilities and say yes more to see what opportunities it may bring. I will express my gratitude daily for all the amazing experiences I have.



Resolution #6

I will reach out to others more. I will call someone to catch up every day. I will do things for the people I care about and support them through their days. I will send cards and letters. I will really listen so I can remember the details. I will HUG (I've never been much of a hugger). I will smile at strangers and strike up conversations when possible. I will be open to what others have to bring into my life, and I will gladly share my gifts with others.



Resolution #7

I will make myself a priority. I will do the things that make me happy because I am every bit as deserving as everyone else. I will cultivate joy in my life. And fun. I will find hobbies that I enjoy, and that give me some time away from my family. I will pursue my interests, even if I have to do them alone. I will see the movies I want to see. I will attend the lectures I am interested in. I will figure out what makes me fabulous (blond hair? pink toes? fab boots? waxed legs? jazzy underwear?) and find the resources to make it happen for myself! I will find ways to learn and enjoy myself. I will be proactive, instead of waiting for it to be a convenient time for everyone else, or for someone else to think of ideas and activities. I will buy myself the gifts I want, the flowers I think are pretty. I will paint the cabinets the color I like. I will journal and blog and collage and imagine so that I keep in tough with my real feeling and desires. I will LOVE me!



Resolution #8

I will walk more. I will walk to keep myself and my kid's and my dog's bodies healthy. I will walk because I am fed up with the quality of the air in this city and am sick about the idea of not letting my kids out to play because the air quality is dangerous. I will walk to put less money in the pockets of people that don't deserve my money. I will keep that money for me and my family. I will walk to have a sense of my community and what is going on in my neighborhood. I will walk and say hello to my neighbors. I will enjoy the feeling of blood pumping in my legs and heart.



Resolution #9.

I will cultivate a home that is peaceful and comfortable. I will not get sucked into the idea that it needs to cost a lot, or that it has to be perfect, shiny and new. I will look for creative, thrifty ways to craft my home into the place I want it to be and a place my family is comfortable and happy. I will make each one of our bedroom's a sanctuary and a personal expression. I will declutter the extraneous and enjoy the cherished. I will learn new skills and take pride in our home!



Resolution #10

I will find a way to make some money for our family. I will do something I enjoy and am good at. I won't do something that is beneath me or that I find boring or disagreeable. I will give marketing for our business the importance it deserves and make sure that each piece has the right message and goes out on time.



So there you have it. I see a lot of "being present" and "living in the now" and being "mindful". I also see quite a bit about loving and accepting, enjoying and fun! I think it boils down to authenticity.

I know that the world has some challenges to overcome. I also know that a bazillion wonderful things happen every freakin' day that no one hears about. I'm going to focus on the positive. I'm doing to do my part to make this planet, my community, my family and my life a better thing than it was last year. I am going to do my best to "be the change that I want to see in the world". Really it comes down to individual actions. I'm excited about this year. I see this year as a time to get back to basics. To cultivate. To learn and improve skills. To prepare. As a catalyst. I also see it as a time for joy, happiness, gratitude and fun. But I see everyday as a time for those. I see those as the purpose and point of life.


Peace!